Fallen Angel

It's that time of year again where everyone is asking, "sum up your 2015 in one word". My one word is struggle. 2015 was a struggle for me, emotionally, physically, mentally, and every other way possible.

There has been a few highlights amongst the struggle this year though, and I will take time to reflect on each one.

2015 started out well, a little rocky with some new medications to help straighten out my hormones so we can maybe conceive our first child. I booked a lot of weddings in January and February for May - October 2015. That was a big bonus to the start 0f 2015.

Spring was...rough. Weddings started on May 9th, 2015, and just kept coming amidst everything else that was going on in our lives. We resurfaced our deck, did a lot of work in the yard to get it looking really nice, and then May Long Weekend happened. We were working on our deck when my brother called with that life changing news. I'm still struggling emotionally, mentally, and physically. I think it will be a long time struggle.

I had a total of 10 client weddings this year, and Wade and I also attended 2 weddings as guests! This made for an extremely busy summer, which was nice accompanied with the garden and yard work, because it kept my mind away from Grandpa......who am I kidding, I'm still struggling, not as much as other family members but I still have my breakdown moments. We've been watching the Fast & Furious series, and last night we watched 7, the ending almost made me cry, not because a handsome man like Paul Walker was killed but because the things they were saying in the end for a tribute to Paul Walker, and "See You Again" by Wiz Kalifa was playing, it hits me every time.

I know my family is struggling through my grandpa's sudden passing. I also know my dad is struggling harder than most of us, he drives by the accident site every day going to and coming from work. No one needs that reminder, I've been considering doing a little graffiti on the highway and turning the tracks into a ladder with a cloud. (Don't tell Grandma)

I started a new job in September, a job with low stress, keeps me busy, and keeps my mind off of my struggles of 2015. Since September I have become the Facility Manager, and have hired on 2 new staff members, one has slowly started and the other will start closer to the end of January. This is an exciting new adventure for me, I've never been the manager of people, much less a facility. (Obviously I've been my OWN manager with Wedding Planning) It's a whole new avenue and adventure for me, December has been tiring to say the least. I went from a 20 hour work week to about 44 hours a week, and for me that in itself is huge, usually Crohn's Disease starts to act up and I get really sick :( It's going well so far, I'm a tired lump of human by the end of every day, and I sometimes fall asleep at 7:30 on the couch, until Wade wakes me up just before 10:00 to go to bed...Am I officially "old"?!? I think?!? Or is it that I'm just straight up exhausted? This new adventure is going well though, I'm really enjoying it.

The other thing that has been a struggle, not only for my husband and I, but for MANY other families out there, is the oilfield and economy crashing. People are downgrading their houses, selling their belongings, barely living, because SO many oilfield workers have lost their jobs, and many others not in the oil industry because companies want to cut their costs. Financially, we are okay for now, but we don't know what 2016 is going to bring, a major pay cut for my husband, for sure. I am thankful I have a well paying and secure job right now!

There's one more struggle we faced this year, to have a baby or to not. This has been an ongoing battle for just over 3 years now, I've seen multiple doctors, OB's and have been seeing a Fertility Specialist for just over a year. I'm still not pregnant, but I'm ovulating well and my hormones are in check, so it could happen anytime. However, when we went for our last follow up at the beginning of December, we were faced with a decision, move on with IUI (intra-uterine insemination), which runs at about $600 for the procedure, $60 for meds, plus fuel, days off of work for both Wade and I - bringing the total to $1400+. With the above paragraph about the oilfield, and the uncertainty for 2016, we've chosen not to move forward with the more invasive procedures. It breaks our hearts, but we HAVE to be able to live, eat, and have a roof over our heads. While having a baby is both extremely wanted and extremely important to us, we have to do what is right for us, in this moment. I would rather not have to downgrade our house, or sell our belongings that we've worked so hard for. We've built a life, and we want to keep living it.

I've truly been living IN the moment, soaking in everything I can, enjoying every moment whether it be good or bad. Life is too short, and you CANNOT take it for granted. That's what a lot of people forget, life isn't something you can take for granted. One day, you and your loved ones could be fine and healthy, the next day one is gone. It's a blink and you miss it moment, it's horrible, frightening, and truly eye opening. Sadly, it takes people that blink and you miss it moment to not take life for granted anymore.

Life has faced us with many difficult decisions this year, a lot of which people don't understand, can't begin to understand, or can't wrap their head around why we've made the choices we've made.

This post is titled Fallen Angel because the song Fallen Angel by Three Days Grace says a lot about our struggles, our lives, and what we've felt, are feeling, or are going through. Take a moment to listen to it, it may hit home with you too.