Think Deep Thoughts...

Goodbyes are the hardest thing you have to go through in your life. Period. It doesn't matter if you're saying your final goodbye to someone close to you who has passed on, or you're deciding to move on with the next chapter of your life ultimately leaving someone in the past. Goodbyes are hard.

My last post is about saying goodbye to my mother. I'm sure some of my family has read my post, including maybe even my mother, I'm here to tell you something more...

Since I made that post and have said goodbye to my mother, not a single person from her side of my family has talked to me. They all received invitations to a baby shower for our soon to be second child & first birthday party for our first born, while they all received them, I did not hear from a single one on if they were able to make it or not. I didn't receive a message of "sorry, it's too far for us to travel" or "we'll be there depending on weather", not one single thing.

Does the above frustrate me? Yes it does. It frustrates the living hell out of me. Every person who was invited to celebrate our expanding family and our daughter's first birthday was chosen by Wade and I to celebrate and bask in our love for family with us. How can you not have the decency to send us a simple text message saying you're not coming, or let us know that you are? Some of you live as close as an hour and a bit away. Do you feel we haven't made the effort to come and see you? We've called or text everyone when we're in their area to see if they're free for a visit, no matter how short it may be, or how cranky our child is.

I can tell you now, that actions speak louder than words. Whether my mother is spouting lies about what happened between us, or she's telling a one sided story, EVERY side of a story deserves to be heard. You're not asking, you're not listening, you're not even trying...Lets make things fair.

Do you know how stress free my life has become because I don't have a consistent heavy weight pressing on my chest and shoulders? My life has been amazing, since I made the choice to say goodbye to my mother. You are likely sitting there judging me for saying the above, or judging me for cutting my mother out of my life...JUDGE AWAY. I don't care. It's my life, I have a family that I have to look out for and I don't want prescription pill (or otherwise) addicts, or someone who is an alcoholic or is showing alcoholic tendencies around my family, around my children, bringing in their terrible habits, their horrible addictions, or their added stress into my children's lives.

ASK YOURSELF; would you want someone who has been addicted to prescription pills for as long as you can remember, stole money from you and your sibling, borrowed money from family and had zero intentions of paying it back, stole money from the company she was working for, or is showing signs of other addictions around your family? How many of you thought about the impact this would have on your children, on your family, on yourself before answering yes or no? Some people don't think about it. 

I grew up with it, I grew up being accused of taking all of my father's morphine pills one time because I happened to see where he hid them, and when he needed one, they were gone. Do you know how that would make your child feel when their father knows their child didn't or wouldn't have taken them, but also knows they're the only one who saw where they were? I do, it made me feel terrible, but I don't blame my father, I was the one who saw where they were. Did I take them? No I didn't, I saw where he put them and moved on with my life forgetting about them until a while down the road when he needed one and they were gone. Have you found stashes of pills hidden in socks in your family's laundry room, in weird places, or in sock drawers when you're looking for a pair of socks similar to your own in your mother's drawers? I have. Has this made you think a little more about your decision to have someone with these tendencies around you and your family? Could you honestly say you would want these behaviours around your children? Could you honestly say you would trust this person enough to let them watch your children? Would you be okay having cash around your house, or anything more than regular strength Tylenol in your house if this person was coming to visit?

I am not okay with any of the above. I'm not okay with not trusting someone enough to watch my children, or to leave them in my house with pain medications, any sort of cash, or anything else. These people are toxic, this is the type of person where a goodbye is needed, where you need to close that chapter of your life and push forward. Relieve yourself of that stress, of that anxiety, of that heavy weight pressing down on you, you will feel crappy about it for a while, but it gets better because your life becomes more positive. My life has become SO amazingly positive now that I don't have that negativity around me, my daughter is so much happier because I am so much happier, and quite honestly, my pregnancy is going drastically better than my last because I don't have the additional stresses of this relationship. I don't have to worry about backlash if I say something the wrong way or take too long to send a text message response.

Think about your life, about your relationships and friendships, think about your children and how your stresses or anxieties affect them. Make the changes necessary to better yourself, your life, and to make your future better, along with the future of your children (whether you're trying, expecting, or already have children). Evaluate those relationships and friendships, and how they make you feel, and get rid of the negative. Lead a more positive life, lead a healthier life - for the sake of yourself, your children and your new family. DO IT FOR YOU.

Goodbyes.

I've been wrestling with the thought of making this post but I've decided that if any of my family reads this blog and wants to know what's happened, this is the best way for me to get it out there unfortunately, without having to tell each individual. 

There comes a time in a persons life where they need to say goodbye to certain people and end any relationships with those people. Relationships are unpredictable, but relationships much like friendships must remain a two way street where each individual involved gives and takes equally. 

In May, our little family ventured off to BC to see my parents and extended family. A few weeks after we returned I received an email from my mother about how unfair we were to her, that she took 2.5 days off of work to see us meanwhile we stayed longer at my dads. The reason we stayed longer at my dads being we had to see my brother, my grandmother who Hailey met for the first time. If we had stayed equal lengths at my dads, brothers, grandmothers, and mothers we would have stayed approximately 2.5 days at each house. Now, bare with me here, we stayed at my fathers because I wasn't making my 7 month old adjust to 3 new houses and my father, brother and grandmother all live within 20 minutes of each other so it made sense. To my mother, this was completely unfair, we were rude to her and her boyfriend, we were supposedly rude to her coworkers (who might I add, spoke loud enough naturally that it made our daughter cry), and we were just down right rotten because our world and trip didn't revolve around her. She wrote like she took a month off of work to spend 2.5 days with us, and it was all unpaid. Everything in this email was about her and her feelings, the whole time we were out there it was about her. When her boyfriend got home, we literally didn't exist - they would go and make out in the kitchen or at the dinning room table in front of us. 

Anyways, I wrote back in response to my mother, not being rude, condescending or anything but honest. I don't think I could have handled it any other way, I spoke my true feelings with real experiences or examples as to her behaviour. I stated that my world never will revolve around her because I have my own family, and most importantly my own life, and the life I'm working to build with my husband. A life that I hope brings love, laughter, joy, and so many memories for our children. A life where I don't need to talk to my parents every day because I'm figuring things out for myself, learning from my mistakes, taking the time to watch my children grow and cherish each memory I make with them and each milestone they reach themselves. This is what matters. This is my world. This. Is. My. Life. 

I wouldn't change what I said to my mother because in all honesty, it's been a long time coming. We haven't had a good relationship for over a decade now, and she hasn't treated me or my brother like we are her children in almost 5-6 years. We are her personal loan service, or the ones she needs to call and complain about being sick yet again to. We haven't felt like her children, or like important pieces of her life for years now. It won't change, I've come to terms with that now, I don't have a choice. I cannot have the additional stress and strain of a relationship with my mother on my shoulders for my children to grow up witnessing and experiencing, it's not healthy for them and it's not healthy for me. 

Almost A Year...

A. Whole. Year. It's been a busy year too. I can't believe it's been a year since I put my fingers to my keyboard and wrote a note to all of my amazing readers! Thank you for pushing me over 20,000 page views by the way, I will be forever grateful.

Our summer was busy last year prepping for our baby girl to arrive in October! She did just that, arrived 2 weeks early, as healthy and content as can be. Now, here we are 7 months later and she's this happy girl, so full of personality, giggles, squeals, love, and laughter. I can't believe the 3.5 year battle is over, and that we have our own amazing little girl.

Honestly, not much else exciting has happened since bringing our daughter into the world. I helped plan a Toyota Vehicle Launch Event recently, but that's about it. I've started my own little bath, home, and beauty product line from home featuring items like toilet cleaning bombs, bath bombs, salt soaks, shower melts, coconut bath melts, relaxing coconut milk bath and so much more. I'm honestly loving it, it's something flexible, that I am truly enjoying. Not to mention, I get to product test!! Woot woot!

I love being a mom, it's probably the best thing that has happened in my life. I wake up to baby smiles and giggles, and the occasional full poopy diaper every morning, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I won't lie to you, it's been a bit of a struggle. I had a touch of postpartum depression, which is now gone. I started my own mommy blog - www.butterflykissesfrommom10.blogspot.ca (very original, I know). There's something about this little girl, that I just cannot get enough of. She is 7 months old and has 3 teeth already, how is that even possible? How is it possible that time can go by SO fast?

My Crohn's Disease has managed to stay in check, throughout my pregnancy, the stresses in my life, the diet changes for breastfeeding...Through everything it has stayed the same, thank god.

I don't know when I'll be back here to write again, but comment, email, or come check out my new blog!

xoxo L

Gettin' In The Way...

Wade and I have been getting reminded a lot about making sure we make the effort to visit our family and friends more. The majority of the reminders are coming from our families who are saying "don't be strangers" or "you should come up for the day".

What our families don't understand is how much Wade and I really have going on. We aren't trying to avoid you, we aren't finding ways to get out of family events that you have planned, we are genuinely busy. My job requires me to work every other weekend, making every other week a 6 day week, and Wade's job requires that he's on call once a month, sometimes on a weekend when I'm not working, therefore we still don't go anywhere. So that only gives us one weekend a month, and if we are doing landscaping or a home renovation, that is our priority because we want to get it done.

The other thing our families don't understand is the emotional stress we have been under for the last three years with trying to start our family, then having it ultimately come down to the decision of; are we having a family, or are we putting that dream on hold because of the associated costs? Obviously, we are expecting our first baby, as per my last post, but NO one knows what we had to go through in that decision making process, how depressing it was, how exhausting it was, how hard it was on our emotions, how many needles or procedures I had to have done, or how many tests Wade and I had to go through and endure.

Our families may know how many relatives and loved ones we have lost, but they don't realize, understand, or cannot comprehend how much each death has affected us. For me personally, I have lost 2 aunts, one cousin, one grandpa, and one grandma in just over one years time. This has effected me tremendously, but you know what I do? I put up an emotional wall and don't let people know how truly down in the dumps I am, this is what a lot of humans do to hide their struggles.

The other thing a lot of our family may not realize is that maybe 5% of our family has actually come to visit us since we have moved to the Red Deer area in 2011. We have made the effort to make it to as many family hosted events, or just to see our family...Well a lot more than just 5% of the time over the last, almost 5 years. We also have pets, so for us to leave for an over night trip where dogs aren't welcome, isn't as easy as just packing up and going, we have to find someone to watch our dogs, or we simply have to say no.

In the last 7 weeks alone, we have made 4 trips that are 650+ kilometers one way, one for my dad's surprise party in BC, a funeral in BC, a funeral in Northern AB, and a memorial in BC. We are exhausted, when we aren't traveling on the weekends, we are working, and when we aren't working, we are traveling. We need a few weekends to ourselves or we won't be making it to ANY family functions the rest of the year.

We know you mean well by saying "don't be strangers" but some of the time it comes off as though you're trying to guilt us for not being able to make it to the events you're hosting, whether it be Christmas, a birthday, or something else, when in reality, 95% of our family isn't making the effort to come and see our new house, the changes we've made to it, or to just give us a break from being the ones always driving for everything family related.

Wade and I do understand, more than most people can comprehend, what others can be going through, whether it's individually, as a couple, or as a family. If the past 3 years has taught us anything, it's not to judge or to make comments like "don't be strangers" or "come up for the day" to anyone because you do not know what is going on in their life, and they may literally have NO time to visit you. As everyone gets older, starts their families, and moves away from the general area the majority of their family lives, it gets harder and harder for family to see each other, but it doesn't mean that our family isn't trying to make it to see your family, or join in on your family hosted event. It means that we are exhausted, that we had plans prior to when you booked your event, that we are working and cannot get out of it, but you can't hold that against us, you can't tell us we need to visit more often, or that we aren't making an effort.

I am a firm believer in - family relationships and friendships are a two way street, one family cannot be the family who travels all of the time, it needs to go both ways, everyone needs to make an effort or nothing will come of it and family will grow farther apart. We only make the effort where the effort is made; again, not because we are avoiding you or we don't like you, but family and friendships are two way streets, they are meant to be.

I Get To Love You

Have that one song that means the world to you? Reminds you of a fond memory with your significant other, a special moment you've shared together? I have a lot of those songs, first date, first road trip, there's so many memories associated with so many songs.

Does anyone else struggle to fall asleep? Lately I have been, I'm not sure if it's because I've got so much on my mind or what but it's been tough. Quiet doesn't help, the hum of the humidifier doesn't help, so I always turn to the sappy love song station on Google Play. Something about these love songs brings so much relaxation into my nighttime world, whether it's because each song reminds me of a good memory, even though I've never heard the song before, or the songs just bring so much love into my mind, that it pushes everything else aside and I can sleep.

I don't know if it's my hormones lately, or I'm just feeling so incredibly loved, but the songs sometimes bring a tear to my eyes. I'm sure you know that feeling I'm talking about. I really listen to the lyrics when I listen to a song, so I digest every word and maybe that's why it hits me more. Who knows?

The way I see it is; as long as you're feeling loved, be it from your significant other, friends, pets, coworkers, or family...being and feeling loved are the most cherish able feelings and moments in ones life. You shouldn't have to work hard to feel loved, people should want to love you, and really mean it. Every relationship is different but if there isn't love and caring, that relationship isn't worth being involved with. You can't just love someone and have them not love you back, that's not fair to you. Realize what you have, what you want, and what you want to feel and see if it's a relationship you want to keep. 

Wade shows me in so many different ways how much and how unconditionally he loves me. From housework, to cooking, to that spontaneous and romantic kiss in the kitchen while you're cooking together, he shows me every day what I mean to him. 😍 I wouldn't have it any other way, I show him and tell him every day how much I appreciate, love, and cherish the things he does for me, the love he shows me, and the memories we make, be it little or big!