Goodbyes.

I've been wrestling with the thought of making this post but I've decided that if any of my family reads this blog and wants to know what's happened, this is the best way for me to get it out there unfortunately, without having to tell each individual. 

There comes a time in a persons life where they need to say goodbye to certain people and end any relationships with those people. Relationships are unpredictable, but relationships much like friendships must remain a two way street where each individual involved gives and takes equally. 

In May, our little family ventured off to BC to see my parents and extended family. A few weeks after we returned I received an email from my mother about how unfair we were to her, that she took 2.5 days off of work to see us meanwhile we stayed longer at my dads. The reason we stayed longer at my dads being we had to see my brother, my grandmother who Hailey met for the first time. If we had stayed equal lengths at my dads, brothers, grandmothers, and mothers we would have stayed approximately 2.5 days at each house. Now, bare with me here, we stayed at my fathers because I wasn't making my 7 month old adjust to 3 new houses and my father, brother and grandmother all live within 20 minutes of each other so it made sense. To my mother, this was completely unfair, we were rude to her and her boyfriend, we were supposedly rude to her coworkers (who might I add, spoke loud enough naturally that it made our daughter cry), and we were just down right rotten because our world and trip didn't revolve around her. She wrote like she took a month off of work to spend 2.5 days with us, and it was all unpaid. Everything in this email was about her and her feelings, the whole time we were out there it was about her. When her boyfriend got home, we literally didn't exist - they would go and make out in the kitchen or at the dinning room table in front of us. 

Anyways, I wrote back in response to my mother, not being rude, condescending or anything but honest. I don't think I could have handled it any other way, I spoke my true feelings with real experiences or examples as to her behaviour. I stated that my world never will revolve around her because I have my own family, and most importantly my own life, and the life I'm working to build with my husband. A life that I hope brings love, laughter, joy, and so many memories for our children. A life where I don't need to talk to my parents every day because I'm figuring things out for myself, learning from my mistakes, taking the time to watch my children grow and cherish each memory I make with them and each milestone they reach themselves. This is what matters. This is my world. This. Is. My. Life. 

I wouldn't change what I said to my mother because in all honesty, it's been a long time coming. We haven't had a good relationship for over a decade now, and she hasn't treated me or my brother like we are her children in almost 5-6 years. We are her personal loan service, or the ones she needs to call and complain about being sick yet again to. We haven't felt like her children, or like important pieces of her life for years now. It won't change, I've come to terms with that now, I don't have a choice. I cannot have the additional stress and strain of a relationship with my mother on my shoulders for my children to grow up witnessing and experiencing, it's not healthy for them and it's not healthy for me. 

Almost A Year...

A. Whole. Year. It's been a busy year too. I can't believe it's been a year since I put my fingers to my keyboard and wrote a note to all of my amazing readers! Thank you for pushing me over 20,000 page views by the way, I will be forever grateful.

Our summer was busy last year prepping for our baby girl to arrive in October! She did just that, arrived 2 weeks early, as healthy and content as can be. Now, here we are 7 months later and she's this happy girl, so full of personality, giggles, squeals, love, and laughter. I can't believe the 3.5 year battle is over, and that we have our own amazing little girl.

Honestly, not much else exciting has happened since bringing our daughter into the world. I helped plan a Toyota Vehicle Launch Event recently, but that's about it. I've started my own little bath, home, and beauty product line from home featuring items like toilet cleaning bombs, bath bombs, salt soaks, shower melts, coconut bath melts, relaxing coconut milk bath and so much more. I'm honestly loving it, it's something flexible, that I am truly enjoying. Not to mention, I get to product test!! Woot woot!

I love being a mom, it's probably the best thing that has happened in my life. I wake up to baby smiles and giggles, and the occasional full poopy diaper every morning, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I won't lie to you, it's been a bit of a struggle. I had a touch of postpartum depression, which is now gone. I started my own mommy blog - www.butterflykissesfrommom10.blogspot.ca (very original, I know). There's something about this little girl, that I just cannot get enough of. She is 7 months old and has 3 teeth already, how is that even possible? How is it possible that time can go by SO fast?

My Crohn's Disease has managed to stay in check, throughout my pregnancy, the stresses in my life, the diet changes for breastfeeding...Through everything it has stayed the same, thank god.

I don't know when I'll be back here to write again, but comment, email, or come check out my new blog!

xoxo L

Gettin' In The Way...

Wade and I have been getting reminded a lot about making sure we make the effort to visit our family and friends more. The majority of the reminders are coming from our families who are saying "don't be strangers" or "you should come up for the day".

What our families don't understand is how much Wade and I really have going on. We aren't trying to avoid you, we aren't finding ways to get out of family events that you have planned, we are genuinely busy. My job requires me to work every other weekend, making every other week a 6 day week, and Wade's job requires that he's on call once a month, sometimes on a weekend when I'm not working, therefore we still don't go anywhere. So that only gives us one weekend a month, and if we are doing landscaping or a home renovation, that is our priority because we want to get it done.

The other thing our families don't understand is the emotional stress we have been under for the last three years with trying to start our family, then having it ultimately come down to the decision of; are we having a family, or are we putting that dream on hold because of the associated costs? Obviously, we are expecting our first baby, as per my last post, but NO one knows what we had to go through in that decision making process, how depressing it was, how exhausting it was, how hard it was on our emotions, how many needles or procedures I had to have done, or how many tests Wade and I had to go through and endure.

Our families may know how many relatives and loved ones we have lost, but they don't realize, understand, or cannot comprehend how much each death has affected us. For me personally, I have lost 2 aunts, one cousin, one grandpa, and one grandma in just over one years time. This has effected me tremendously, but you know what I do? I put up an emotional wall and don't let people know how truly down in the dumps I am, this is what a lot of humans do to hide their struggles.

The other thing a lot of our family may not realize is that maybe 5% of our family has actually come to visit us since we have moved to the Red Deer area in 2011. We have made the effort to make it to as many family hosted events, or just to see our family...Well a lot more than just 5% of the time over the last, almost 5 years. We also have pets, so for us to leave for an over night trip where dogs aren't welcome, isn't as easy as just packing up and going, we have to find someone to watch our dogs, or we simply have to say no.

In the last 7 weeks alone, we have made 4 trips that are 650+ kilometers one way, one for my dad's surprise party in BC, a funeral in BC, a funeral in Northern AB, and a memorial in BC. We are exhausted, when we aren't traveling on the weekends, we are working, and when we aren't working, we are traveling. We need a few weekends to ourselves or we won't be making it to ANY family functions the rest of the year.

We know you mean well by saying "don't be strangers" but some of the time it comes off as though you're trying to guilt us for not being able to make it to the events you're hosting, whether it be Christmas, a birthday, or something else, when in reality, 95% of our family isn't making the effort to come and see our new house, the changes we've made to it, or to just give us a break from being the ones always driving for everything family related.

Wade and I do understand, more than most people can comprehend, what others can be going through, whether it's individually, as a couple, or as a family. If the past 3 years has taught us anything, it's not to judge or to make comments like "don't be strangers" or "come up for the day" to anyone because you do not know what is going on in their life, and they may literally have NO time to visit you. As everyone gets older, starts their families, and moves away from the general area the majority of their family lives, it gets harder and harder for family to see each other, but it doesn't mean that our family isn't trying to make it to see your family, or join in on your family hosted event. It means that we are exhausted, that we had plans prior to when you booked your event, that we are working and cannot get out of it, but you can't hold that against us, you can't tell us we need to visit more often, or that we aren't making an effort.

I am a firm believer in - family relationships and friendships are a two way street, one family cannot be the family who travels all of the time, it needs to go both ways, everyone needs to make an effort or nothing will come of it and family will grow farther apart. We only make the effort where the effort is made; again, not because we are avoiding you or we don't like you, but family and friendships are two way streets, they are meant to be.

I Get To Love You

Have that one song that means the world to you? Reminds you of a fond memory with your significant other, a special moment you've shared together? I have a lot of those songs, first date, first road trip, there's so many memories associated with so many songs.

Does anyone else struggle to fall asleep? Lately I have been, I'm not sure if it's because I've got so much on my mind or what but it's been tough. Quiet doesn't help, the hum of the humidifier doesn't help, so I always turn to the sappy love song station on Google Play. Something about these love songs brings so much relaxation into my nighttime world, whether it's because each song reminds me of a good memory, even though I've never heard the song before, or the songs just bring so much love into my mind, that it pushes everything else aside and I can sleep.

I don't know if it's my hormones lately, or I'm just feeling so incredibly loved, but the songs sometimes bring a tear to my eyes. I'm sure you know that feeling I'm talking about. I really listen to the lyrics when I listen to a song, so I digest every word and maybe that's why it hits me more. Who knows?

The way I see it is; as long as you're feeling loved, be it from your significant other, friends, pets, coworkers, or family...being and feeling loved are the most cherish able feelings and moments in ones life. You shouldn't have to work hard to feel loved, people should want to love you, and really mean it. Every relationship is different but if there isn't love and caring, that relationship isn't worth being involved with. You can't just love someone and have them not love you back, that's not fair to you. Realize what you have, what you want, and what you want to feel and see if it's a relationship you want to keep. 

Wade shows me in so many different ways how much and how unconditionally he loves me. From housework, to cooking, to that spontaneous and romantic kiss in the kitchen while you're cooking together, he shows me every day what I mean to him. 😍 I wouldn't have it any other way, I show him and tell him every day how much I appreciate, love, and cherish the things he does for me, the love he shows me, and the memories we make, be it little or big!

Break On Me

There comes a time in a persons life where all they can do is reflect. Reflect on the past, the present, and the life changing events that have happened to make you who you are.

This past year has been a rough year on Wade and I...

January 2015 we lost my aunt (my dad's side)
April 2015 we lost my aunt (my mom's side)
May 2015 we lost my grandpa (my dad's side)
January 2016 we lost my cousin
April 2016 we lost my grandma (my mom's side)
April 2016 we lost Wade's uncle.

That's a lot of sadness for a couple to go through, but it really gets you thinking about events in your life and what made them come to be. Wade's uncle is the one who brought him to Fairmont, and he's the reason we met. He told Wade that Wade had to go in and settle their gas bill because there was a cute red head attending the till. Without uncle Lloyd telling Wade to do that, we may have never met, and we may not be where we are today. We owe a lot to him, in the aspect of where we are. Lloyd was a different soul, he told it like it was and got bored with his projects fast, but he was a book of knowledge and had answers for everything.

Wade and I have been doing a lot of traveling for funerals. The weekend of April 8th we were in BC for my Dad's Surprise 50th (which was a HIT), then the weekend of April 23rd, we were in BC again for my Grandma's funeral, May 14th we were in Northern AB for Wade's uncles funeral, and May Long Weekend we will be in BC having a memorial for my grandfather. All of this travelling in just 7 weeks, our camper is getting a lot of miles put on it too as we've been taking it everywhere with us so we have a bed to stay in without displacing any family.

In and amongst all of this sadness, there has been happiness as well. Wade and I are expecting our first baby, after almost 3.5 years of trying! I'll be 18 weeks along on Friday, May 20th. We find out Baby Percy's gender on June 3rd, and we really cannot wait to find out. The names will be kept secret for a while though :)

I wanted to reflect a little more than I have but today my brain is just exhausted and I'm not feeling that great, because I'm run down. I will reflect soon though, once our lives settle down a little more.