Struggling Through Emotions...

Growing up as a child, you idolize your grandparents. They’ve lived a life you haven’t, they’ve experienced things that you may never experience, and they’ve gained an impeccable knowledge that they want to pass on to you as a child, teenager, and then as an adult.

I moved away from home at 18, right after graduating high school, I started my new life in college, 6 hours from home. I didn’t make it home as much as I should have, and I haven’t since then.  Do I regret it? Yes, some times I do. But the one thing you have to know is you can’t regret life decisions that have changed your life for the better. They’ve introduced you to new experiences, new knowledge, new opportunities, and new people…Life decisions are what make you who you are, and having regrets only hinders your progress as an individual, and in life.

I’ve been dealing with a lot lately…anxiety, anger, and frustration but of course, I also have happiness. I have someone by my side that is amazing, patient, jokes around, and makes me laugh and smile every day. You can’t take that for granted, don’t take any relationship for granted. I don’t think he knows the extent of my anxiety right now, but I also don’t want to tell him because that makes him worry, and we don’t need that!

No one can prepare you for a phone call that changes your life. No one can tell you how much you will miss someone. No one can describe what you have gone through, they may be able to relate, but they don’t know until they’ve gone through it. NO one feels what you’re feeling at this exact moment, they can’t feel your heartache, the longing for one last conversation, or the longing you have to hear this person’s voice. No one can prepare you for what you may feel, what you may experience, or what you may go through in life.

In case you haven’t gathered, I am still struggling. I did a lot for my family with the passing of my grandfather, and I saved them a lot of…images floating through their mind. In one mere week, we are heading out to see my family to celebrate my uncle’s wedding. I’m extremely happy to be going to celebrate, but I am also anxious, and quite frankly, a bit of a mess. I didn’t grieve with my family; I grieved at home with my husband, 9 hours away from my dad and my grandma. My family doesn’t know how much I’ve needed them, or how many times I’ve almost called them crying my eyes out because I’m trying my hardest to cope, away from my family.  But I’m strong, I don’t like it when people know/see me as a mess, or that I’m struggling to cope, it’s not who I am.