Gotta Get There...

Slowly but surely I am getting better. Some things take time, that's what I keep telling myself. I will heal when I'm ready, and move forward with my feelings and emotions as I get better. I know I've been posting a lot about my grandpa and my current struggles in regards to losing him, but it's what I need to do, my feelings need to be somewhere.

October 29th, 2015...this would be my grandpa's 77th birthday. Not that he would be counting. I recently visited my grandparents farm where my grandma and dad are still living. I had a breakdown when we got there, I won't lie to you, I'm not that strong, this was my first time back since we buried my grandpa. It turned out to be a really good visit, we helped my dad with a lot of stuff around the farm, went pine mushroom picking, made homemade apple juice, harvested the remainder of the garden, and I even got some photographs.

During our stay there, I saw my grandpa's motorcycle helmet, which immediately made me break down, for a second time. My dad put it where I wouldn't see it all day, I saw it later in the day, held back my tears as I picked up his helmet, rubbed my fingers over the road burn marks and kissed the visor as I whispered "I miss you, and I love you grandpa". This gesture, no one knows about, no one knows I did this, but this gesture was closure for me. It helped me release the frustration and sadness I had balled up in me, it helped me cope. It was hard to leave when the weekend came to an end, for so many reasons. I miss home sometimes, I miss that huge garden my grandparents had, the chickens and chores, and my grandpa sitting across from me at the table making jokes, or being grumpy.

I've been sleeping better since we went back to BC, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, I have closure, I have grieved and I have accepted his loss, I have a piece of my heart with my grandpa, but most importantly I have learned what it takes for me to get closure, what my greatest strengths are, and that I am stronger for going through this. Like I've said before, you can never be prepared for someone's passing, much less know how to cope with the loss.

Happy 77th Birthday Grandpa

You need an angel flying by your side

On the journey of your life

Ride the wind until we meet again

On the other side of life

You'll need a good song you can sing on

And a shoulder you can lean on

Have courage to surrender you'll need to

Laugh a lot and keep it light

On the journey of your life

And no matter what dreams you're chasing

Never get above your raising

May the simple things be amazing

On the journey of your life

He said I'll be the angel flying by your side

On the journey of your life