Have that one song that means the world to you? Reminds you of a fond memory with your significant other, a special moment you've shared together? I have a lot of those songs, first date, first road trip, there's so many memories associated with so many songs.
Does anyone else struggle to fall asleep? Lately I have been, I'm not sure if it's because I've got so much on my mind or what but it's been tough. Quiet doesn't help, the hum of the humidifier doesn't help, so I always turn to the sappy love song station on Google Play. Something about these love songs brings so much relaxation into my nighttime world, whether it's because each song reminds me of a good memory, even though I've never heard the song before, or the songs just bring so much love into my mind, that it pushes everything else aside and I can sleep.
I don't know if it's my hormones lately, or I'm just feeling so incredibly loved, but the songs sometimes bring a tear to my eyes. I'm sure you know that feeling I'm talking about. I really listen to the lyrics when I listen to a song, so I digest every word and maybe that's why it hits me more. Who knows?
The way I see it is; as long as you're feeling loved, be it from your significant other, friends, pets, coworkers, or family...being and feeling loved are the most cherish able feelings and moments in ones life. You shouldn't have to work hard to feel loved, people should want to love you, and really mean it. Every relationship is different but if there isn't love and caring, that relationship isn't worth being involved with. You can't just love someone and have them not love you back, that's not fair to you. Realize what you have, what you want, and what you want to feel and see if it's a relationship you want to keep.
Wade shows me in so many different ways how much and how unconditionally he loves me. From housework, to cooking, to that spontaneous and romantic kiss in the kitchen while you're cooking together, he shows me every day what I mean to him. 😍 I wouldn't have it any other way, I show him and tell him every day how much I appreciate, love, and cherish the things he does for me, the love he shows me, and the memories we make, be it little or big!
There comes a time in a persons life where all they can do is reflect. Reflect on the past, the present, and the life changing events that have happened to make you who you are.
This past year has been a rough year on Wade and I...
January 2015 we lost my aunt (my dad's side)
April 2015 we lost my aunt (my mom's side)
May 2015 we lost my grandpa (my dad's side)
January 2016 we lost my cousin
April 2016 we lost my grandma (my mom's side)
April 2016 we lost Wade's uncle.
That's a lot of sadness for a couple to go through, but it really gets you thinking about events in your life and what made them come to be. Wade's uncle is the one who brought him to Fairmont, and he's the reason we met. He told Wade that Wade had to go in and settle their gas bill because there was a cute red head attending the till. Without uncle Lloyd telling Wade to do that, we may have never met, and we may not be where we are today. We owe a lot to him, in the aspect of where we are. Lloyd was a different soul, he told it like it was and got bored with his projects fast, but he was a book of knowledge and had answers for everything.
Wade and I have been doing a lot of traveling for funerals. The weekend of April 8th we were in BC for my Dad's Surprise 50th (which was a HIT), then the weekend of April 23rd, we were in BC again for my Grandma's funeral, May 14th we were in Northern AB for Wade's uncles funeral, and May Long Weekend we will be in BC having a memorial for my grandfather. All of this travelling in just 7 weeks, our camper is getting a lot of miles put on it too as we've been taking it everywhere with us so we have a bed to stay in without displacing any family.
In and amongst all of this sadness, there has been happiness as well. Wade and I are expecting our first baby, after almost 3.5 years of trying! I'll be 18 weeks along on Friday, May 20th. We find out Baby Percy's gender on June 3rd, and we really cannot wait to find out. The names will be kept secret for a while though :)
I wanted to reflect a little more than I have but today my brain is just exhausted and I'm not feeling that great, because I'm run down. I will reflect soon though, once our lives settle down a little more.
Unsteady. A word that broadcasts so many definitions. Everything from emotions to work to your own individual world can be unsteady. Life throws you many blessings and many misfortunes, it's how you handle them, learn from them, and change them, that make your life what you want it to be.
It takes a lot for someone to go through many life changing or altering events at once. It takes courage, grace, control, encouragement and SO much more, that most don't realize the severity of what they're even going through until someone lays it out for them. Many people go through life only knowing misfortunes, while others glide through life only knowing blessings until one day misfortune hits them and their world is turned upside down, and they don't have the necessary coping skills to get through the foreign misfortune they've been presented.
As we're nearing the one year mark on my grandpa's passing, I'm slowly turning into a robot again, turning hard, protected, and unguided by anyone. There's so many emotions brought into life, that most can't understand. I'm in the works of planning a memorial tribute but I'm at a loss. My grandpa loved boats, fishing, gardening and spending time with his family, teaching them the many lessons grandfathers and fathers have to teach. It's not like we can all pick up a fishing rod and go fishing for his memorial, I want something special, it's going to take me a month and a half to narrow it down, something that will mean everything to me, and hopefully everything to my family.
I've been working on a few surprises too, obviously they're surprises so I can't spill the beans until these surprises have been released. More to follow at a later date though. You'll get to know, it's going to be wonderful, and I'll be pleased with myself if I can pull it off!
As stated in my previous post, Wade and I have been going through some difficult times, from work to difficult decisions on starting a family. Our life is changing, Wade's work is dwindling down, it's snowing (and it's spring), we bought a tent trailer, music doesn't heal the soul like it used to - now that all familiar song that brings up sad memories comes on more often and you break down.
You know what?!? It happens, life is meant to happen, and life isn't meant to be fair, if you didn't struggle through misfortunes and enjoy the blessings, your life wouldn't be yours, it would be controlled by an alternate reality. What's the fun in that?!? You wouldn't feel pain, happiness, joy, love, anger, frustration, or any of the other emotions, you would be monotone and boring. No one wants that for themselves, or their own worst enemy. Again, it comes back to; you make your life what you want your life to be, YOU govern what happens to you, and you handle your blessings and misfortunes with the grace and strength you KNOW you have deep down. It may be hidden, but it will come up when you least expect it.
Unsteadiness only lasts for so long, and your life gets back on track to a world of steadiness until you hit another bump. It all falls back to, do you want to make your life the most enjoyable and live it to the fullest? Or do you want to live with regrets for the things you missed out on, didn't do, chickened out of, or the mistakes you didn't learn from? It's your choice now, do what's best for you.
It's that time of year again where everyone is asking, "sum up your 2015 in one word". My one word is struggle. 2015 was a struggle for me, emotionally, physically, mentally, and every other way possible.
There has been a few highlights amongst the struggle this year though, and I will take time to reflect on each one.
2015 started out well, a little rocky with some new medications to help straighten out my hormones so we can maybe conceive our first child. I booked a lot of weddings in January and February for May - October 2015. That was a big bonus to the start 0f 2015.
Spring was...rough. Weddings started on May 9th, 2015, and just kept coming amidst everything else that was going on in our lives. We resurfaced our deck, did a lot of work in the yard to get it looking really nice, and then May Long Weekend happened. We were working on our deck when my brother called with that life changing news. I'm still struggling emotionally, mentally, and physically. I think it will be a long time struggle.
I had a total of 10 client weddings this year, and Wade and I also attended 2 weddings as guests! This made for an extremely busy summer, which was nice accompanied with the garden and yard work, because it kept my mind away from Grandpa......who am I kidding, I'm still struggling, not as much as other family members but I still have my breakdown moments. We've been watching the Fast & Furious series, and last night we watched 7, the ending almost made me cry, not because a handsome man like Paul Walker was killed but because the things they were saying in the end for a tribute to Paul Walker, and "See You Again" by Wiz Kalifa was playing, it hits me every time.
I know my family is struggling through my grandpa's sudden passing. I also know my dad is struggling harder than most of us, he drives by the accident site every day going to and coming from work. No one needs that reminder, I've been considering doing a little graffiti on the highway and turning the tracks into a ladder with a cloud. (Don't tell Grandma)
I started a new job in September, a job with low stress, keeps me busy, and keeps my mind off of my struggles of 2015. Since September I have become the Facility Manager, and have hired on 2 new staff members, one has slowly started and the other will start closer to the end of January. This is an exciting new adventure for me, I've never been the manager of people, much less a facility. (Obviously I've been my OWN manager with Wedding Planning) It's a whole new avenue and adventure for me, December has been tiring to say the least. I went from a 20 hour work week to about 44 hours a week, and for me that in itself is huge, usually Crohn's Disease starts to act up and I get really sick :( It's going well so far, I'm a tired lump of human by the end of every day, and I sometimes fall asleep at 7:30 on the couch, until Wade wakes me up just before 10:00 to go to bed...Am I officially "old"?!? I think?!? Or is it that I'm just straight up exhausted? This new adventure is going well though, I'm really enjoying it.
The other thing that has been a struggle, not only for my husband and I, but for MANY other families out there, is the oilfield and economy crashing. People are downgrading their houses, selling their belongings, barely living, because SO many oilfield workers have lost their jobs, and many others not in the oil industry because companies want to cut their costs. Financially, we are okay for now, but we don't know what 2016 is going to bring, a major pay cut for my husband, for sure. I am thankful I have a well paying and secure job right now!
There's one more struggle we faced this year, to have a baby or to not. This has been an ongoing battle for just over 3 years now, I've seen multiple doctors, OB's and have been seeing a Fertility Specialist for just over a year. I'm still not pregnant, but I'm ovulating well and my hormones are in check, so it could happen anytime. However, when we went for our last follow up at the beginning of December, we were faced with a decision, move on with IUI (intra-uterine insemination), which runs at about $600 for the procedure, $60 for meds, plus fuel, days off of work for both Wade and I - bringing the total to $1400+. With the above paragraph about the oilfield, and the uncertainty for 2016, we've chosen not to move forward with the more invasive procedures. It breaks our hearts, but we HAVE to be able to live, eat, and have a roof over our heads. While having a baby is both extremely wanted and extremely important to us, we have to do what is right for us, in this moment. I would rather not have to downgrade our house, or sell our belongings that we've worked so hard for. We've built a life, and we want to keep living it.
I've truly been living IN the moment, soaking in everything I can, enjoying every moment whether it be good or bad. Life is too short, and you CANNOT take it for granted. That's what a lot of people forget, life isn't something you can take for granted. One day, you and your loved ones could be fine and healthy, the next day one is gone. It's a blink and you miss it moment, it's horrible, frightening, and truly eye opening. Sadly, it takes people that blink and you miss it moment to not take life for granted anymore.
Life has faced us with many difficult decisions this year, a lot of which people don't understand, can't begin to understand, or can't wrap their head around why we've made the choices we've made.
This post is titled Fallen Angel because the song Fallen Angel by Three Days Grace says a lot about our struggles, our lives, and what we've felt, are feeling, or are going through. Take a moment to listen to it, it may hit home with you too.
Slowly but surely I am getting better. Some things take time, that's what I keep telling myself. I will heal when I'm ready, and move forward with my feelings and emotions as I get better. I know I've been posting a lot about my grandpa and my current struggles in regards to losing him, but it's what I need to do, my feelings need to be somewhere.
October 29th, 2015...this would be my grandpa's 77th birthday. Not that he would be counting. I recently visited my grandparents farm where my grandma and dad are still living. I had a breakdown when we got there, I won't lie to you, I'm not that strong, this was my first time back since we buried my grandpa. It turned out to be a really good visit, we helped my dad with a lot of stuff around the farm, went pine mushroom picking, made homemade apple juice, harvested the remainder of the garden, and I even got some photographs.
During our stay there, I saw my grandpa's motorcycle helmet, which immediately made me break down, for a second time. My dad put it where I wouldn't see it all day, I saw it later in the day, held back my tears as I picked up his helmet, rubbed my fingers over the road burn marks and kissed the visor as I whispered "I miss you, and I love you grandpa". This gesture, no one knows about, no one knows I did this, but this gesture was closure for me. It helped me release the frustration and sadness I had balled up in me, it helped me cope. It was hard to leave when the weekend came to an end, for so many reasons. I miss home sometimes, I miss that huge garden my grandparents had, the chickens and chores, and my grandpa sitting across from me at the table making jokes, or being grumpy.
I've been sleeping better since we went back to BC, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, I have closure, I have grieved and I have accepted his loss, I have a piece of my heart with my grandpa, but most importantly I have learned what it takes for me to get closure, what my greatest strengths are, and that I am stronger for going through this. Like I've said before, you can never be prepared for someone's passing, much less know how to cope with the loss.
