A little while later, my dad called to update me on my grandpa's condition. It wasn't good...25 completely shattered ribs, one bruised lung, one punctured lung, and a bruised brain. My grandfather was 76 years young, doing something he found a passion for, riding his motorcycle. He was a careful driver, cautious...He used to drive school bus for 25 years, so you know he was a safe driver. When I got the news that my grandfather was on LIFE SUPPORT in the ICU, I knew things were not good, and it felt like someone put their hand in my chest, and ripped my heart out. I spent much of that day, either in bed or on the couch, crying. Every phone call, every text, every Facebook post with wishes for my grandpa to keep strong, everything made me cry.
I flew to Kelowna the next day. My first flight EVER, in an airplane. My grandpa was a special man, he loved his kids and his grandchildren, despite the fact he never expressed it verbally. His actions showed his love and his passion for his family. He deserved me concurring my first airplane ride to see him, to kiss his forehead and hold his hand as I said my last goodbye. His family is pretty spectacular, each of his 4 children, and 9 grandchildren were at the hospital, and we all got to hold his hand, and say our goodbyes. At the time, we didn't know it would be time for goodbyes, we didn't know that until May 20th, when the doctors informed our family that my grandpa's injuries were too extensive and they were unable to operate or repair the damage done.
There was a lot of hatred in our thoughts...our grandpa, father, and husband was being yanked from us because of a careless driver, someone who was distracted while speeding excessively. The thing is, no matter how much you hate someone for making such a stupid mistake, and taking someone away from you, you have to know that they are suffering too, that they are sad, angry, in denial, grieving, upset, maybe even suicidal because they took someones life. It's not easy for them either, it will haunt them for the rest of their lives. You can't just erase that memory. Just like I can't erase some of the memories I experienced.
I did the majority of the planning for my grandfather's Celebration of Life. Arranged everything with the funeral home, did up some slideshows, worked with the lovely ladies who performed the service, looked after everyone else, and stayed strong while doing so. I didn't grieve for 10 days, I feel like I was cold hearted, I hardly cried at the Celebration of Life. I saw my first dead body, right after death, and days later before cremation, I held my grandpa's ashes, as I walked his urn into the cemetery to prepare for our final goodbye.
I can honestly say, this has been the hardest month of my life. I've been sad, I've been angry, I've been almost depressed, and I've had no motivation to do anything. In the last two days, I've spent 95% of my day crying, because my body chose to make me grieve. I cry myself to sleep, I cry every time I hear sad, sappy songs, I cry when I think about my grandma or my dad, because I can't imagine how they feel right now. If you know me, you know that I am strong, that I hate crying, that I hate showing sad emotions around other people, this has been the hardest part for me.
My grandfather taught me so many things and I have so many good memories of him. He used to chase us around the house with squirt guns, flip the butter dish in our hand, steal our dinner or dessert, or just flat out shove your face in it. He was a joker, he could make anyone laugh, but he was also a book of knowledge. He made sure your vehicles ran right, your tires were good, and you were driving according to the rules of the road - YES I mean, he gave me crap for not using my signal light when turning out of their driveway....when there's almost never any vehicles around - he made sure you were safe. He always sent you home with boxes of fresh fruits and veggies, WAY more than you could use, but he was proud to do it. You learned a lot from him, gardening, chores, yard work...hard work...you are a better person for knowing him. He touched so many peoples lives, and taught his family SO many incredible life lessons.
Three words have been playing on repeat in my head. "Goodbye My Love", these are the three words my grandma said as she kissed her hand and put it on my grandpa's urn when she said her final goodbye. Those three words, shattered my heart. My grandmother is so strong and has handled everything to the best of her abilities, but it doesn't matter how strong you are, you can't avoid a broken heart.
Now that I am going through my grieving process, so many more memories come to mind. So many emotions have risen...hatred, anger, sadness...and in a way...joy, happiness, and love. I say these last three because I knew this amazing man who has passed away, he brought a lot of happiness and joy to his grandchildren's lives, and to the spouses of his grandchildren. He accepted everyone.
You cannot change the way the world fights you, or the cards you're dealt in your life. You certainly cannot cheat death, but what you can come out of every experience with, be it happy or sad, are memories and strength. I've become a stronger person because of what I've gone through, and when the heartache is over, I know that all I will have left are fond memories.
May you be at peace now, and know that you will forever be in my mind and in my heart. You are an amazing man who will be greatly missed by so many people. I cannot thank you enough for everything you have taught me.
Rest easy Grandpa, I will love you forever and always.
For anyone who has lost a loved one, One More Day by Diamond Rio, hits home...it sums up every thought and emotion during such a difficult time
