Think Deep Thoughts...

Goodbyes are the hardest thing you have to go through in your life. Period. It doesn't matter if you're saying your final goodbye to someone close to you who has passed on, or you're deciding to move on with the next chapter of your life ultimately leaving someone in the past. Goodbyes are hard.

My last post is about saying goodbye to my mother. I'm sure some of my family has read my post, including maybe even my mother, I'm here to tell you something more...

Since I made that post and have said goodbye to my mother, not a single person from her side of my family has talked to me. They all received invitations to a baby shower for our soon to be second child & first birthday party for our first born, while they all received them, I did not hear from a single one on if they were able to make it or not. I didn't receive a message of "sorry, it's too far for us to travel" or "we'll be there depending on weather", not one single thing.

Does the above frustrate me? Yes it does. It frustrates the living hell out of me. Every person who was invited to celebrate our expanding family and our daughter's first birthday was chosen by Wade and I to celebrate and bask in our love for family with us. How can you not have the decency to send us a simple text message saying you're not coming, or let us know that you are? Some of you live as close as an hour and a bit away. Do you feel we haven't made the effort to come and see you? We've called or text everyone when we're in their area to see if they're free for a visit, no matter how short it may be, or how cranky our child is.

I can tell you now, that actions speak louder than words. Whether my mother is spouting lies about what happened between us, or she's telling a one sided story, EVERY side of a story deserves to be heard. You're not asking, you're not listening, you're not even trying...Lets make things fair.

Do you know how stress free my life has become because I don't have a consistent heavy weight pressing on my chest and shoulders? My life has been amazing, since I made the choice to say goodbye to my mother. You are likely sitting there judging me for saying the above, or judging me for cutting my mother out of my life...JUDGE AWAY. I don't care. It's my life, I have a family that I have to look out for and I don't want prescription pill (or otherwise) addicts, or someone who is an alcoholic or is showing alcoholic tendencies around my family, around my children, bringing in their terrible habits, their horrible addictions, or their added stress into my children's lives.

ASK YOURSELF; would you want someone who has been addicted to prescription pills for as long as you can remember, stole money from you and your sibling, borrowed money from family and had zero intentions of paying it back, stole money from the company she was working for, or is showing signs of other addictions around your family? How many of you thought about the impact this would have on your children, on your family, on yourself before answering yes or no? Some people don't think about it. 

I grew up with it, I grew up being accused of taking all of my father's morphine pills one time because I happened to see where he hid them, and when he needed one, they were gone. Do you know how that would make your child feel when their father knows their child didn't or wouldn't have taken them, but also knows they're the only one who saw where they were? I do, it made me feel terrible, but I don't blame my father, I was the one who saw where they were. Did I take them? No I didn't, I saw where he put them and moved on with my life forgetting about them until a while down the road when he needed one and they were gone. Have you found stashes of pills hidden in socks in your family's laundry room, in weird places, or in sock drawers when you're looking for a pair of socks similar to your own in your mother's drawers? I have. Has this made you think a little more about your decision to have someone with these tendencies around you and your family? Could you honestly say you would want these behaviours around your children? Could you honestly say you would trust this person enough to let them watch your children? Would you be okay having cash around your house, or anything more than regular strength Tylenol in your house if this person was coming to visit?

I am not okay with any of the above. I'm not okay with not trusting someone enough to watch my children, or to leave them in my house with pain medications, any sort of cash, or anything else. These people are toxic, this is the type of person where a goodbye is needed, where you need to close that chapter of your life and push forward. Relieve yourself of that stress, of that anxiety, of that heavy weight pressing down on you, you will feel crappy about it for a while, but it gets better because your life becomes more positive. My life has become SO amazingly positive now that I don't have that negativity around me, my daughter is so much happier because I am so much happier, and quite honestly, my pregnancy is going drastically better than my last because I don't have the additional stresses of this relationship. I don't have to worry about backlash if I say something the wrong way or take too long to send a text message response.

Think about your life, about your relationships and friendships, think about your children and how your stresses or anxieties affect them. Make the changes necessary to better yourself, your life, and to make your future better, along with the future of your children (whether you're trying, expecting, or already have children). Evaluate those relationships and friendships, and how they make you feel, and get rid of the negative. Lead a more positive life, lead a healthier life - for the sake of yourself, your children and your new family. DO IT FOR YOU.

Goodbyes.

I've been wrestling with the thought of making this post but I've decided that if any of my family reads this blog and wants to know what's happened, this is the best way for me to get it out there unfortunately, without having to tell each individual. 

There comes a time in a persons life where they need to say goodbye to certain people and end any relationships with those people. Relationships are unpredictable, but relationships much like friendships must remain a two way street where each individual involved gives and takes equally. 

In May, our little family ventured off to BC to see my parents and extended family. A few weeks after we returned I received an email from my mother about how unfair we were to her, that she took 2.5 days off of work to see us meanwhile we stayed longer at my dads. The reason we stayed longer at my dads being we had to see my brother, my grandmother who Hailey met for the first time. If we had stayed equal lengths at my dads, brothers, grandmothers, and mothers we would have stayed approximately 2.5 days at each house. Now, bare with me here, we stayed at my fathers because I wasn't making my 7 month old adjust to 3 new houses and my father, brother and grandmother all live within 20 minutes of each other so it made sense. To my mother, this was completely unfair, we were rude to her and her boyfriend, we were supposedly rude to her coworkers (who might I add, spoke loud enough naturally that it made our daughter cry), and we were just down right rotten because our world and trip didn't revolve around her. She wrote like she took a month off of work to spend 2.5 days with us, and it was all unpaid. Everything in this email was about her and her feelings, the whole time we were out there it was about her. When her boyfriend got home, we literally didn't exist - they would go and make out in the kitchen or at the dinning room table in front of us. 

Anyways, I wrote back in response to my mother, not being rude, condescending or anything but honest. I don't think I could have handled it any other way, I spoke my true feelings with real experiences or examples as to her behaviour. I stated that my world never will revolve around her because I have my own family, and most importantly my own life, and the life I'm working to build with my husband. A life that I hope brings love, laughter, joy, and so many memories for our children. A life where I don't need to talk to my parents every day because I'm figuring things out for myself, learning from my mistakes, taking the time to watch my children grow and cherish each memory I make with them and each milestone they reach themselves. This is what matters. This is my world. This. Is. My. Life. 

I wouldn't change what I said to my mother because in all honesty, it's been a long time coming. We haven't had a good relationship for over a decade now, and she hasn't treated me or my brother like we are her children in almost 5-6 years. We are her personal loan service, or the ones she needs to call and complain about being sick yet again to. We haven't felt like her children, or like important pieces of her life for years now. It won't change, I've come to terms with that now, I don't have a choice. I cannot have the additional stress and strain of a relationship with my mother on my shoulders for my children to grow up witnessing and experiencing, it's not healthy for them and it's not healthy for me. 

Almost A Year...

A. Whole. Year. It's been a busy year too. I can't believe it's been a year since I put my fingers to my keyboard and wrote a note to all of my amazing readers! Thank you for pushing me over 20,000 page views by the way, I will be forever grateful.

Our summer was busy last year prepping for our baby girl to arrive in October! She did just that, arrived 2 weeks early, as healthy and content as can be. Now, here we are 7 months later and she's this happy girl, so full of personality, giggles, squeals, love, and laughter. I can't believe the 3.5 year battle is over, and that we have our own amazing little girl.

Honestly, not much else exciting has happened since bringing our daughter into the world. I helped plan a Toyota Vehicle Launch Event recently, but that's about it. I've started my own little bath, home, and beauty product line from home featuring items like toilet cleaning bombs, bath bombs, salt soaks, shower melts, coconut bath melts, relaxing coconut milk bath and so much more. I'm honestly loving it, it's something flexible, that I am truly enjoying. Not to mention, I get to product test!! Woot woot!

I love being a mom, it's probably the best thing that has happened in my life. I wake up to baby smiles and giggles, and the occasional full poopy diaper every morning, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I won't lie to you, it's been a bit of a struggle. I had a touch of postpartum depression, which is now gone. I started my own mommy blog - www.butterflykissesfrommom10.blogspot.ca (very original, I know). There's something about this little girl, that I just cannot get enough of. She is 7 months old and has 3 teeth already, how is that even possible? How is it possible that time can go by SO fast?

My Crohn's Disease has managed to stay in check, throughout my pregnancy, the stresses in my life, the diet changes for breastfeeding...Through everything it has stayed the same, thank god.

I don't know when I'll be back here to write again, but comment, email, or come check out my new blog!

xoxo L

Gettin' In The Way...

Wade and I have been getting reminded a lot about making sure we make the effort to visit our family and friends more. The majority of the reminders are coming from our families who are saying "don't be strangers" or "you should come up for the day".

What our families don't understand is how much Wade and I really have going on. We aren't trying to avoid you, we aren't finding ways to get out of family events that you have planned, we are genuinely busy. My job requires me to work every other weekend, making every other week a 6 day week, and Wade's job requires that he's on call once a month, sometimes on a weekend when I'm not working, therefore we still don't go anywhere. So that only gives us one weekend a month, and if we are doing landscaping or a home renovation, that is our priority because we want to get it done.

The other thing our families don't understand is the emotional stress we have been under for the last three years with trying to start our family, then having it ultimately come down to the decision of; are we having a family, or are we putting that dream on hold because of the associated costs? Obviously, we are expecting our first baby, as per my last post, but NO one knows what we had to go through in that decision making process, how depressing it was, how exhausting it was, how hard it was on our emotions, how many needles or procedures I had to have done, or how many tests Wade and I had to go through and endure.

Our families may know how many relatives and loved ones we have lost, but they don't realize, understand, or cannot comprehend how much each death has affected us. For me personally, I have lost 2 aunts, one cousin, one grandpa, and one grandma in just over one years time. This has effected me tremendously, but you know what I do? I put up an emotional wall and don't let people know how truly down in the dumps I am, this is what a lot of humans do to hide their struggles.

The other thing a lot of our family may not realize is that maybe 5% of our family has actually come to visit us since we have moved to the Red Deer area in 2011. We have made the effort to make it to as many family hosted events, or just to see our family...Well a lot more than just 5% of the time over the last, almost 5 years. We also have pets, so for us to leave for an over night trip where dogs aren't welcome, isn't as easy as just packing up and going, we have to find someone to watch our dogs, or we simply have to say no.

In the last 7 weeks alone, we have made 4 trips that are 650+ kilometers one way, one for my dad's surprise party in BC, a funeral in BC, a funeral in Northern AB, and a memorial in BC. We are exhausted, when we aren't traveling on the weekends, we are working, and when we aren't working, we are traveling. We need a few weekends to ourselves or we won't be making it to ANY family functions the rest of the year.

We know you mean well by saying "don't be strangers" but some of the time it comes off as though you're trying to guilt us for not being able to make it to the events you're hosting, whether it be Christmas, a birthday, or something else, when in reality, 95% of our family isn't making the effort to come and see our new house, the changes we've made to it, or to just give us a break from being the ones always driving for everything family related.

Wade and I do understand, more than most people can comprehend, what others can be going through, whether it's individually, as a couple, or as a family. If the past 3 years has taught us anything, it's not to judge or to make comments like "don't be strangers" or "come up for the day" to anyone because you do not know what is going on in their life, and they may literally have NO time to visit you. As everyone gets older, starts their families, and moves away from the general area the majority of their family lives, it gets harder and harder for family to see each other, but it doesn't mean that our family isn't trying to make it to see your family, or join in on your family hosted event. It means that we are exhausted, that we had plans prior to when you booked your event, that we are working and cannot get out of it, but you can't hold that against us, you can't tell us we need to visit more often, or that we aren't making an effort.

I am a firm believer in - family relationships and friendships are a two way street, one family cannot be the family who travels all of the time, it needs to go both ways, everyone needs to make an effort or nothing will come of it and family will grow farther apart. We only make the effort where the effort is made; again, not because we are avoiding you or we don't like you, but family and friendships are two way streets, they are meant to be.

I Get To Love You

Have that one song that means the world to you? Reminds you of a fond memory with your significant other, a special moment you've shared together? I have a lot of those songs, first date, first road trip, there's so many memories associated with so many songs.

Does anyone else struggle to fall asleep? Lately I have been, I'm not sure if it's because I've got so much on my mind or what but it's been tough. Quiet doesn't help, the hum of the humidifier doesn't help, so I always turn to the sappy love song station on Google Play. Something about these love songs brings so much relaxation into my nighttime world, whether it's because each song reminds me of a good memory, even though I've never heard the song before, or the songs just bring so much love into my mind, that it pushes everything else aside and I can sleep.

I don't know if it's my hormones lately, or I'm just feeling so incredibly loved, but the songs sometimes bring a tear to my eyes. I'm sure you know that feeling I'm talking about. I really listen to the lyrics when I listen to a song, so I digest every word and maybe that's why it hits me more. Who knows?

The way I see it is; as long as you're feeling loved, be it from your significant other, friends, pets, coworkers, or family...being and feeling loved are the most cherish able feelings and moments in ones life. You shouldn't have to work hard to feel loved, people should want to love you, and really mean it. Every relationship is different but if there isn't love and caring, that relationship isn't worth being involved with. You can't just love someone and have them not love you back, that's not fair to you. Realize what you have, what you want, and what you want to feel and see if it's a relationship you want to keep. 

Wade shows me in so many different ways how much and how unconditionally he loves me. From housework, to cooking, to that spontaneous and romantic kiss in the kitchen while you're cooking together, he shows me every day what I mean to him. 😍 I wouldn't have it any other way, I show him and tell him every day how much I appreciate, love, and cherish the things he does for me, the love he shows me, and the memories we make, be it little or big!

Break On Me

There comes a time in a persons life where all they can do is reflect. Reflect on the past, the present, and the life changing events that have happened to make you who you are.

This past year has been a rough year on Wade and I...

January 2015 we lost my aunt (my dad's side)
April 2015 we lost my aunt (my mom's side)
May 2015 we lost my grandpa (my dad's side)
January 2016 we lost my cousin
April 2016 we lost my grandma (my mom's side)
April 2016 we lost Wade's uncle.

That's a lot of sadness for a couple to go through, but it really gets you thinking about events in your life and what made them come to be. Wade's uncle is the one who brought him to Fairmont, and he's the reason we met. He told Wade that Wade had to go in and settle their gas bill because there was a cute red head attending the till. Without uncle Lloyd telling Wade to do that, we may have never met, and we may not be where we are today. We owe a lot to him, in the aspect of where we are. Lloyd was a different soul, he told it like it was and got bored with his projects fast, but he was a book of knowledge and had answers for everything.

Wade and I have been doing a lot of traveling for funerals. The weekend of April 8th we were in BC for my Dad's Surprise 50th (which was a HIT), then the weekend of April 23rd, we were in BC again for my Grandma's funeral, May 14th we were in Northern AB for Wade's uncles funeral, and May Long Weekend we will be in BC having a memorial for my grandfather. All of this travelling in just 7 weeks, our camper is getting a lot of miles put on it too as we've been taking it everywhere with us so we have a bed to stay in without displacing any family.

In and amongst all of this sadness, there has been happiness as well. Wade and I are expecting our first baby, after almost 3.5 years of trying! I'll be 18 weeks along on Friday, May 20th. We find out Baby Percy's gender on June 3rd, and we really cannot wait to find out. The names will be kept secret for a while though :)

I wanted to reflect a little more than I have but today my brain is just exhausted and I'm not feeling that great, because I'm run down. I will reflect soon though, once our lives settle down a little more.

Unsteady

Unsteady. A word that broadcasts so many definitions. Everything from emotions to work to your own individual world can be unsteady. Life throws you many blessings and many misfortunes, it's how you handle them, learn from them, and change them, that make your life what you want it to be.

It takes a lot for someone to go through many life changing or altering events at once. It takes courage, grace, control, encouragement and SO much more, that most don't realize the severity of what they're even going through until someone lays it out for them. Many people go through life only knowing misfortunes, while others glide through life only knowing blessings until one day misfortune hits them and their world is turned upside down, and they don't have the necessary coping skills to get through the foreign misfortune they've been presented.

As we're nearing the one year mark on my grandpa's passing, I'm slowly turning into a robot again, turning hard, protected, and unguided by anyone. There's so many emotions brought into life, that most can't understand. I'm in the works of planning a memorial tribute but I'm at a loss. My grandpa loved boats, fishing, gardening and spending time with his family, teaching them the many lessons grandfathers and fathers have to teach. It's not like we can all pick up a fishing rod and go fishing for his memorial, I want something special, it's going to take me a month and a half to narrow it down, something that will mean everything to me, and hopefully everything to my family.

I've been working on a few surprises too, obviously they're surprises so I can't spill the beans until these surprises have been released. More to follow at a later date though. You'll get to know, it's going to be wonderful, and I'll be pleased with myself if I can pull it off!

As stated in my previous post, Wade and I have been going through some difficult times, from work to difficult decisions on starting a family. Our life is changing, Wade's work is dwindling down, it's snowing (and it's spring), we bought a tent trailer, music doesn't heal the soul like it used to - now that all familiar song that brings up sad memories comes on more often and you break down.

You know what?!? It happens, life is meant to happen, and life isn't meant to be fair, if you didn't struggle through misfortunes and enjoy the blessings, your life wouldn't be yours, it would be controlled by an alternate reality. What's the fun in that?!? You wouldn't feel pain, happiness, joy, love, anger, frustration, or any of the other emotions, you would be monotone and boring. No one wants that for themselves, or their own worst enemy. Again, it comes back to; you make your life what you want your life to be, YOU govern what happens to you, and you handle your blessings and misfortunes with the grace and strength you KNOW you have deep down. It may be hidden, but it will come up when you least expect it.

Unsteadiness only lasts for so long, and your life gets back on track to a world of steadiness until you hit another bump. It all falls back to, do you want to make your life the most enjoyable and live it to the fullest? Or do you want to live with regrets for the things you missed out on, didn't do, chickened out of, or the mistakes you didn't learn from? It's your choice now, do what's best for you.

Fallen Angel

It's that time of year again where everyone is asking, "sum up your 2015 in one word". My one word is struggle. 2015 was a struggle for me, emotionally, physically, mentally, and every other way possible.

There has been a few highlights amongst the struggle this year though, and I will take time to reflect on each one.

2015 started out well, a little rocky with some new medications to help straighten out my hormones so we can maybe conceive our first child. I booked a lot of weddings in January and February for May - October 2015. That was a big bonus to the start 0f 2015.

Spring was...rough. Weddings started on May 9th, 2015, and just kept coming amidst everything else that was going on in our lives. We resurfaced our deck, did a lot of work in the yard to get it looking really nice, and then May Long Weekend happened. We were working on our deck when my brother called with that life changing news. I'm still struggling emotionally, mentally, and physically. I think it will be a long time struggle.

I had a total of 10 client weddings this year, and Wade and I also attended 2 weddings as guests! This made for an extremely busy summer, which was nice accompanied with the garden and yard work, because it kept my mind away from Grandpa......who am I kidding, I'm still struggling, not as much as other family members but I still have my breakdown moments. We've been watching the Fast & Furious series, and last night we watched 7, the ending almost made me cry, not because a handsome man like Paul Walker was killed but because the things they were saying in the end for a tribute to Paul Walker, and "See You Again" by Wiz Kalifa was playing, it hits me every time.

I know my family is struggling through my grandpa's sudden passing. I also know my dad is struggling harder than most of us, he drives by the accident site every day going to and coming from work. No one needs that reminder, I've been considering doing a little graffiti on the highway and turning the tracks into a ladder with a cloud. (Don't tell Grandma)

I started a new job in September, a job with low stress, keeps me busy, and keeps my mind off of my struggles of 2015. Since September I have become the Facility Manager, and have hired on 2 new staff members, one has slowly started and the other will start closer to the end of January. This is an exciting new adventure for me, I've never been the manager of people, much less a facility. (Obviously I've been my OWN manager with Wedding Planning) It's a whole new avenue and adventure for me, December has been tiring to say the least. I went from a 20 hour work week to about 44 hours a week, and for me that in itself is huge, usually Crohn's Disease starts to act up and I get really sick :( It's going well so far, I'm a tired lump of human by the end of every day, and I sometimes fall asleep at 7:30 on the couch, until Wade wakes me up just before 10:00 to go to bed...Am I officially "old"?!? I think?!? Or is it that I'm just straight up exhausted? This new adventure is going well though, I'm really enjoying it.

The other thing that has been a struggle, not only for my husband and I, but for MANY other families out there, is the oilfield and economy crashing. People are downgrading their houses, selling their belongings, barely living, because SO many oilfield workers have lost their jobs, and many others not in the oil industry because companies want to cut their costs. Financially, we are okay for now, but we don't know what 2016 is going to bring, a major pay cut for my husband, for sure. I am thankful I have a well paying and secure job right now!

There's one more struggle we faced this year, to have a baby or to not. This has been an ongoing battle for just over 3 years now, I've seen multiple doctors, OB's and have been seeing a Fertility Specialist for just over a year. I'm still not pregnant, but I'm ovulating well and my hormones are in check, so it could happen anytime. However, when we went for our last follow up at the beginning of December, we were faced with a decision, move on with IUI (intra-uterine insemination), which runs at about $600 for the procedure, $60 for meds, plus fuel, days off of work for both Wade and I - bringing the total to $1400+. With the above paragraph about the oilfield, and the uncertainty for 2016, we've chosen not to move forward with the more invasive procedures. It breaks our hearts, but we HAVE to be able to live, eat, and have a roof over our heads. While having a baby is both extremely wanted and extremely important to us, we have to do what is right for us, in this moment. I would rather not have to downgrade our house, or sell our belongings that we've worked so hard for. We've built a life, and we want to keep living it.

I've truly been living IN the moment, soaking in everything I can, enjoying every moment whether it be good or bad. Life is too short, and you CANNOT take it for granted. That's what a lot of people forget, life isn't something you can take for granted. One day, you and your loved ones could be fine and healthy, the next day one is gone. It's a blink and you miss it moment, it's horrible, frightening, and truly eye opening. Sadly, it takes people that blink and you miss it moment to not take life for granted anymore.

Life has faced us with many difficult decisions this year, a lot of which people don't understand, can't begin to understand, or can't wrap their head around why we've made the choices we've made.

This post is titled Fallen Angel because the song Fallen Angel by Three Days Grace says a lot about our struggles, our lives, and what we've felt, are feeling, or are going through. Take a moment to listen to it, it may hit home with you too.

Gotta Get There...

Slowly but surely I am getting better. Some things take time, that's what I keep telling myself. I will heal when I'm ready, and move forward with my feelings and emotions as I get better. I know I've been posting a lot about my grandpa and my current struggles in regards to losing him, but it's what I need to do, my feelings need to be somewhere.

October 29th, 2015...this would be my grandpa's 77th birthday. Not that he would be counting. I recently visited my grandparents farm where my grandma and dad are still living. I had a breakdown when we got there, I won't lie to you, I'm not that strong, this was my first time back since we buried my grandpa. It turned out to be a really good visit, we helped my dad with a lot of stuff around the farm, went pine mushroom picking, made homemade apple juice, harvested the remainder of the garden, and I even got some photographs.

During our stay there, I saw my grandpa's motorcycle helmet, which immediately made me break down, for a second time. My dad put it where I wouldn't see it all day, I saw it later in the day, held back my tears as I picked up his helmet, rubbed my fingers over the road burn marks and kissed the visor as I whispered "I miss you, and I love you grandpa". This gesture, no one knows about, no one knows I did this, but this gesture was closure for me. It helped me release the frustration and sadness I had balled up in me, it helped me cope. It was hard to leave when the weekend came to an end, for so many reasons. I miss home sometimes, I miss that huge garden my grandparents had, the chickens and chores, and my grandpa sitting across from me at the table making jokes, or being grumpy.

I've been sleeping better since we went back to BC, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, I have closure, I have grieved and I have accepted his loss, I have a piece of my heart with my grandpa, but most importantly I have learned what it takes for me to get closure, what my greatest strengths are, and that I am stronger for going through this. Like I've said before, you can never be prepared for someone's passing, much less know how to cope with the loss.

Happy 77th Birthday Grandpa

You need an angel flying by your side

On the journey of your life

Ride the wind until we meet again

On the other side of life

You'll need a good song you can sing on

And a shoulder you can lean on

Have courage to surrender you'll need to

Laugh a lot and keep it light

On the journey of your life

And no matter what dreams you're chasing

Never get above your raising

May the simple things be amazing

On the journey of your life

He said I'll be the angel flying by your side

On the journey of your life

Struggling Through Emotions...

Growing up as a child, you idolize your grandparents. They’ve lived a life you haven’t, they’ve experienced things that you may never experience, and they’ve gained an impeccable knowledge that they want to pass on to you as a child, teenager, and then as an adult.

I moved away from home at 18, right after graduating high school, I started my new life in college, 6 hours from home. I didn’t make it home as much as I should have, and I haven’t since then.  Do I regret it? Yes, some times I do. But the one thing you have to know is you can’t regret life decisions that have changed your life for the better. They’ve introduced you to new experiences, new knowledge, new opportunities, and new people…Life decisions are what make you who you are, and having regrets only hinders your progress as an individual, and in life.

I’ve been dealing with a lot lately…anxiety, anger, and frustration but of course, I also have happiness. I have someone by my side that is amazing, patient, jokes around, and makes me laugh and smile every day. You can’t take that for granted, don’t take any relationship for granted. I don’t think he knows the extent of my anxiety right now, but I also don’t want to tell him because that makes him worry, and we don’t need that!

No one can prepare you for a phone call that changes your life. No one can tell you how much you will miss someone. No one can describe what you have gone through, they may be able to relate, but they don’t know until they’ve gone through it. NO one feels what you’re feeling at this exact moment, they can’t feel your heartache, the longing for one last conversation, or the longing you have to hear this person’s voice. No one can prepare you for what you may feel, what you may experience, or what you may go through in life.

In case you haven’t gathered, I am still struggling. I did a lot for my family with the passing of my grandfather, and I saved them a lot of…images floating through their mind. In one mere week, we are heading out to see my family to celebrate my uncle’s wedding. I’m extremely happy to be going to celebrate, but I am also anxious, and quite frankly, a bit of a mess. I didn’t grieve with my family; I grieved at home with my husband, 9 hours away from my dad and my grandma. My family doesn’t know how much I’ve needed them, or how many times I’ve almost called them crying my eyes out because I’m trying my hardest to cope, away from my family.  But I’m strong, I don’t like it when people know/see me as a mess, or that I’m struggling to cope, it’s not who I am.

One More Day...

For those of you who read my blog regularly but don't know me, some things have been happening. The main thing being an accident...On May 18th, I received a phone call from my brother, he called to tell me that my grandfather had been out on his motorcycle for a quick ride with his brother when my grandpa was rear ended by a pick up truck traveling 140/kms per hour, while distracted driving. My brother told me they were waiting for the chopper to air lift my grandfather to Kelowna, but he didn't know anything else.

A little while later, my dad called to update me on my grandpa's condition. It wasn't good...25 completely shattered ribs, one bruised lung, one punctured lung, and a bruised brain. My grandfather was 76 years young, doing something he found a passion for, riding his motorcycle. He was a careful driver, cautious...He used to drive school bus for 25 years, so you know he was a safe driver. When I got the news that my grandfather was on LIFE SUPPORT in the ICU, I knew things were not good, and it felt like someone put their hand in my chest, and ripped my heart out. I spent much of that day, either in bed or on the couch, crying. Every phone call, every text, every Facebook post with wishes for my grandpa to keep strong, everything made me cry.

I flew to Kelowna the next day. My first flight EVER, in an airplane. My grandpa was a special man, he loved his kids and his grandchildren, despite the fact he never expressed it verbally. His actions showed his love and his passion for his family. He deserved me concurring my first airplane ride to see him, to kiss his forehead and hold his hand as I said my last goodbye. His family is pretty spectacular, each of his 4 children, and 9 grandchildren were at the hospital, and we all got to hold his hand, and say our goodbyes. At the time, we didn't know it would be time for goodbyes, we didn't know that until May 20th, when the doctors informed our family that my grandpa's injuries were too extensive and they were unable to operate or repair the damage done.

There was a lot of hatred in our thoughts...our grandpa, father, and husband was being yanked from us because of a careless driver, someone who was distracted while speeding excessively. The thing is, no matter how much you hate someone for making such a stupid mistake, and taking someone away from you, you have to know that they are suffering too, that they are sad, angry, in denial, grieving, upset, maybe even suicidal because they took someones life. It's not easy for them either, it will haunt them for the rest of their lives. You can't just erase that memory. Just like I can't erase some of the memories I experienced.

I did the majority of the planning for my grandfather's Celebration of Life. Arranged everything with the funeral home, did up some slideshows, worked with the lovely ladies who performed the service, looked after everyone else, and stayed strong while doing so. I didn't grieve for 10 days, I feel like I was cold hearted, I hardly cried at the Celebration of Life. I saw my first dead body, right after death, and days later before cremation, I held my grandpa's ashes, as I walked his urn into the cemetery to prepare for our final goodbye.

I can honestly say, this has been the hardest month of my life. I've been sad, I've been angry, I've been almost depressed, and I've had no motivation to do anything. In the last two days, I've spent 95% of my day crying, because my body chose to make me grieve. I cry myself to sleep, I cry every time I hear sad, sappy songs, I cry when I think about my grandma or my dad, because I can't imagine how they feel right now. If you know me, you know that I am strong, that I hate crying, that I hate showing sad emotions around other people, this has been the hardest part for me.

My grandfather taught me so many things and I have so many good memories of him. He used to chase us around the house with squirt guns, flip the butter dish in our hand, steal our dinner or dessert, or just flat out shove your face in it. He was a joker, he could make anyone laugh, but he was also a book of knowledge. He made sure your vehicles ran right, your tires were good, and you were driving according to the rules of the road - YES I mean, he gave me crap for not using my signal light when turning out of their driveway....when there's almost never any vehicles around - he made sure you were safe. He always sent you home with boxes of fresh fruits and veggies, WAY more than you could use, but he was proud to do it. You learned a lot from him, gardening, chores, yard work...hard work...you are a better person for knowing him. He touched so many peoples lives, and taught his family SO many incredible life lessons.

Three words have been playing on repeat in my head. "Goodbye My Love", these are the three words my grandma said as she kissed her hand and put it on my grandpa's urn when she said her final goodbye. Those three words, shattered my heart. My grandmother is so strong and has handled everything to the best of her abilities, but it doesn't matter how strong you are, you can't avoid a broken heart.

Now that I am going through my grieving process, so many more memories come to mind. So many emotions have risen...hatred, anger, sadness...and in a way...joy, happiness, and love. I say these last three because I knew this amazing man who has passed away, he brought a lot of happiness and joy to his grandchildren's lives, and to the spouses of his grandchildren. He accepted everyone.

You cannot change the way the world fights you, or the cards you're dealt in your life. You certainly cannot cheat death, but what you can come out of every experience with, be it happy or sad, are memories and strength. I've become a stronger person because of what I've gone through, and when the heartache is over, I know that all I will have left are fond memories.

May you be at peace now, and know that you will forever be in my mind and in my heart. You are an amazing man who will be greatly missed by so many people. I cannot thank you enough for everything you have taught me. 

Rest easy Grandpa, I will love you forever and always.

For anyone who has lost a loved one, One More Day by Diamond Rio, hits home...it sums up every thought and emotion during such a difficult time

25 Years

Well, I haven't written anything in the NEW YEAR yet!! What the heck is up with that?!? I'll give an update now!

It's been a busy....8 months, at least. Between Wade being in weekend classes from September to December, now to him being on call, me booking weddings and scrapbook orders, volleyball, fitness and the animals....We haven't had a lot of time to think, much-less for me to write!

The new house is treating us well, we got the yard looking great this summer, all nice and green, and restored. Finished a room downstairs, and painted 4 out of 5 bedrooms. Then there's all of the minor things, new toilets, new faucets, decorating, hanging photos and mirrors, new light fixtures. We also bought a ping pong table, so that is keeping us busy as well.

Our fitness journey is going well, I've lost 12+ inches, 6 pounds, and I'm seeing a lot of things change with the appearance of my body. I workout 5 days a week, including volleyball. I'm currently training on a stationary bike, 2 miles a day for 5 days a week. I'm working up to 5 miles a day, 5 days a week. It's going to take a while, but it's my resolution, I want to get in shape, and be in shape for when we have our own little family, outside of our pups and kitten that is. We bought a new vehicle too!

So, I've mentioned scrapbooking! That's right, I've actually started my own scrapbooking business! I have premade pages available, and others in the making! I've had 4 orders so far, and have room for a few more! My Facebook page will be linked below! I'm loving it, I love working from home and helping out with the finances, while maintaining our home, and keeping our pets happy! If you're interested in a scrapbook, send me a message through my Facebook page!!

I also turned 25 so far this year!!!! January has been an ok month!


https://www.facebook.com/pages/Creative-Instincts-Scrapbooking/680083952109496

What Are You Waiting For?

Well, life is calming down a bit now that fall is upon us! I can't believe it's almost Halloween! Lots has happened! I had 3 weddings this past summer, and so far I have 3 booked, and 1 friends wedding for next summer! So far, so good! I'm enjoying it a LOT!

Wade and I have started a new journey! Not only have we bought a new house, but we bought a new vehicle! We've embarked on a fitness journey, we've been facing a lot of very difficult challenges in life, in regards to starting a family. Our journey to become fit has started with 6 workouts a week, not including volleyball, which we play once a week! Making 7 workouts a week, squats, push-ups, and abs! 30 day challenge, and we're also going to start making it harder and adding more and more to it! I'm also doing 3 extra workouts a week, one called "Short Total Pumper", it is off of the Pump Up app! I love the app, and I love the motivation it's providing! I'm mrspercy89, find me and add me!

It's never too late to start getting fit, eating healthier, and falling in love with working out and your new body! What are you waiting for? What's your excuse? What will make you develop the determination and commitment to change YOUR life and body?!?

Along with this news, I've also done some reflexology treatments. My first appointment was with a lady who has been doing reflexology for 45 years and did 3 years of official training! She was amazing, told me so many things about my body and my health. She believes that I don't have Crohn's Disease, but that I have been dealing with an almost clogged liver valve. She helped my body start detoxing, and boy did I detox....horribly! But, I have been feeling way better since I have finished all of my reflexology appointments, AND I have officially eaten spicy food and have had no side effects! Great, great news for me and my health!

Life has been good for us lately, Wade's really busy between work and weekend classes, and my wedding planning business, along with a part time job! We're happy people, enjoying our lives, and enjoying our relationship!

All Of Me (Generosity & Reward)

Since I have slowly started up my own business, All Eternity Wedding Planning, I wanted to take a moment and share a few things regarding my business and regarding people I have recently helped.

In April, there was an apartment building fire, 25 minutes from my house. It was completely destroyed, over 30 people lost EVERYTHING they owned except for the clothes on their backs. When I heard about this fire, I was devastated for the families, the children, everyone. Losing items to a fire is difficult, I've been through that, but losing EVERYTHING you own, I couldn't begin to imagine how all of these families felt.

I was on a Wedding Buy/Sell site for my area, and saw that there was a bride and groom, who's wedding was just under 2 weeks away, from the day they lost everything in the fire. I had the pleasure of meeting with the couple, discussing their losses pertaining to the wedding. I wrote on EVERY Buy/Sell site to get as much as I possibly could for this couple. The generosity was amazing, I honestly didn't expect it. It doesn't surprise me to know that there are good people out there, people who would give up their belongings, their items, and their time to help those who are in desperate need of a miracle, to prove that everything happens for a reason. I got SO many items together, and got SO many volunteers to help get what the bride and groom needed for their wedding.

Sometimes, the love, generosity, and genuine caring person I am, surprises me. I helped perfect strangers find everything they needed to go through with their wedding, to start the first day of the rest of their lives as husband and wife. I asked for nothing in return, the couple was hurting, they had SO much to deal with, things that most people will never experience in their life time. All I truly wanted to see was this couple go forward with their wedding and start their life, they deserved happiness after a tragedy like they had suffered.

I've just contacted the couple again, as they were recently in the local paper. They've rented a new house, at a higher rent than they were paying, and they are going to need household items. I have some, we're moving, we need them gone (decluttering), I WANT to help them. I have always had the desire to help people, it's what took me into the health care field. Helping people is what I live for, making people happy is the reward.

I am very pleased with my ability to WANT to help people, almost to NEED to help people. It's incredibly rewarding, and the best reward is seeing a tear in their eyes, a smile on their face, and that look of you melting their heart with your generosity, meanwhile melting your heart seeing how much they truly appreciate everything you have done for them.

To you, I wish you the ABSOLUTE best in your future, you both deserve nothing but the best. This will make you stronger, despite how you may feel now.

Congratulations!

I Will Not Bow

I think this post will be more of a rant than anything, with a positive spin at the end.

Well, things have been insane in our lives. I have friends who are moving on with things in their lives, months before I thought things in the friendships would change. W and I are going through a lot, experiencing a lot, things are changing for us (and fast), as well as the stress of a multitude of things. That being said, finding good friends seems to be tough, finding good friends that want to stay your friends and support you through everything, is even harder.

A few of my friends have ventured on to a part in their lives, that we've been trying to venture on to for the last 1.5 years, and we aren't getting anywhere. Once they hit this adventure, I'm no one. I'm a friend the come to simply to brag about the adventure. When talking to someone who's been on this journey for 1.5 years, in which you know what their struggles have been, what they've gone through, the disappointment they felt and still feel, you need to be sensitive, and understanding that they may not want to talk solely about your adventure, and the one they have yet to achieve.

Friends who are like this, who can't stop talking about it, are left without friends, and those who are still working on the adventure, are left with no one, no support system, no encouragement, no one, we are simply left behind. What you don't realize is that you're hurting us, you're hurting our feelings, you're discouraging us (despite probably thinking you're encouraging us), but what hurts the most is that you can't stop talking about it enough to realize that we don't want to hear it, and that you're making it so we don't want to talk to you. We don't want to confront you about it, tell you that we don't want to talk to you, or that you're stepping on boundaries or hurting our feelings, because well, you just got great news. Please take all of this into consideration before you talk to me about your adventure.

On a plus side, we have officially closed the deal on our house. We will be moving on June 27th, a little later than we expected and hoped for, but moving nonetheless. We are beyond excited and we hope that everything else in our life just falls into place. Exciting stuff for us, but hopefully a few other exciting things will pop up and fulfill our lives.

Begin Again

Since I haven't written about 215 lately, the last few days definitely warrants a post! While it was so nice out this weekend, W and I have been outside getting everything cleaned up. Leaves raked, snow shovelled off of the deck so the deck can dry off, that kind of stuff. Plus detailing our two personal vehicles and W's work truck!

While outside yesterday, cleaning my SUV, our neighbour (215) was outside, and started shovelling the snow from his yard, into our yard... Yes, just as it sounds, being petty and trying to get us to give a reaction. I noticed he was shovelling the snow onto our yard, while I was detailing the car, and Wade came over, to "see" how cleaning the car was going, and 215 gave W a look, the kind of look that would piss any other person off, given what 215 has done to us.

This morning, I heard shovelling so I looked outside, and saw that he was doing it all again. Since the dog pen is completely swamped in right now, so we've put out a dog run in the yard, and have to take Sadie out and tie her to the line to go to the washroom and such. I took the dogs out for their morning fresh air and pee break, while 215 was outside shovelling more snow onto our yard, Dacia went straight for his area and started barking at him, telling him to get off of our yard! I grabbed my headphones and sat outside with the dogs, as Dacia doesn't have to be on a leash, so I just sit outside and make sure she doesn't wander off to where she shouldn't be. Meanwhile, he continues to shovel snow on our lawn, and when he's done he grabs his shovels, and shoots me a creepy "Whatcha gonna do about it?" stare, as he walks around into his yard. Gives off a major creepy vibe, and I greatly dislike it...

Long Hot Summer

Well, life is about to get a whole lot crazier! We SOLD our house, last weekend after only 8 days on the market.

We've started looking at houses now, I think it's finally starting to sink in that we did sell our house in just 8 short days on the market! Before we purchased it, it had been on the market for one full year, so to see it sell in just 8 days, is simply astonishing! We saw a house on Tuesday but didn't really like it! I can't wait to view more houses tonight, 6 in total! We have a good budget to work with too, which makes looking and shopping that much easier and better!

Everything else is going good in our lives. We've got to finish the soffit and fascia on the roof this weekend, we finished half of it last weekend and the last half will be this weekend! It's getting so nice out here, and the snow is melting, the yard is turning into mush! It sucks that everything is so wet, and flooding will be an issue for so many people, but it's what happens with spring and the snow melting.

We've gotten our truck up and running too! It was parked throughout the winter because Wade has a work truck and I have my SUV, but with needing to do dump runs and moving, we kind of need it up and going so we can use it and everything!

We're excited to close this chapter of our life, and move on to the next chapter, it's going to be an amazing one!

Louder

Well, things have been insanely busy in our lives. Weekend after weekend has been filled with house stuff. Painting, siliconing, trimming, more painting, more painting, cleaning, packing, changing electrical outlets and light switches. We have officially listed our house. Things have gotten very insane here. We have our first viewing today, and this lady is VERY interested in the house :) YAY us!!

Things are starting to get crazy in our lives. It's been snowing the last few days, and cold again too. We haven't been able to do anything really, besides house stuff, and our standard every day life. Things are looking up and changing and I'm truly hoping that April is going to be an incredible month. Listing, viewings, and maybe selling our house, among everything else that's been going on in our life.

Our pets are going stir-crazy because it's gotten cold again and they can't go outside. They're basically little humans with cabin fever and the need/desire to go outside! I cannot wait for it to be spring, and go biking and walking and such with my dogs!

30 Things - What Animal?!?

If You Were An Animal, What Would You Be And Why?


This is a really tough one. I like a variety of animals, and most animals are amazing and have their own special qualities. I guess, the decision comes down to, would I like to be in a wet environment (lakes or oceans), a dry environment (desert), or a snowy, swampy, and sometimes warm environment (Canada). Do I want to be able to fly, swim, or just have 4 legs and be furry? A decision like this has so many possibilities and so many things to take into consideration.

I think I would like to be something with spots or stripes, like a tiger or a leopard. They are beautiful animals, not to mention fast. Plus they're of the cat species, and we all know that I love my kitten! They truly are beautiful creatures, their spots/stripes, colours, whiskers, and the way they are.

Even The Stars Fall For You

This past week and weekend were very interesting and amazing, to say the least!

Wednesday started with a dentist appointment to have some impressions taken of my teeth to be fitted for a new night guard. (Expensive too, to say the least) Anyways, my new dentist (the old one has moved out of province) had asked if I have ever thought of having my tongue-tie, snipped, to say the least. It had been thought of, but I was told on various occasions that it may cause issues with my speech, and I may have to learn how to talk all over again, which I wasn't going through at 14 years old. Needless to say, I had the procedure done, 10 needles of freezing later, as I metabolized the first two (this is all they give normal people), within 15 minutes, so I froze and unfroze fast! Lots of needles to keep my mouth frozen for the duration of the procedure, in which some sort of laser tool was used to cut and cauterize my tongue and the tissue under it, that leads up to my gums. When the freezing came out, it wasn't good. It hurts, it was gross, and I was drooling everywhere because when you have a mouth injury or surgery, your mouth creates extra saliva to help heal your mouth. (I still drool and spit everywhere due to excess saliva and we're 5 days past surgery) The reason for having this procedure done is that the tongue tie was pulling on the gums behind my front teeth, exposing more tooth than they should. I did talk with a lisp for the few days as my tongue was so swollen...Very entertaining for my friends!!

Friday we had a concert to go to with my Aunt and Uncle! It was amazing, Brett Eltredge was fantastic, Little Big Town sounded amazing live, and of course KEITH URBAN was just a drool worthy hunk of a concert. The whole thing was almost 5 hours long, the longest concert I have ever been to. I got lots of photos, and sang every song, and when my Uncle asked me how old Keith Urban was, I even knew that!! I have a bit of an obsession, some would say. I call it a "Good Taste In Music".

Here is "Stupid Boy - Keith Urban"

Saturday was my actual Birthday! 24 years old. I love that when you're in your 20's, everyone feels the need to ask you if you feel old! My response to this question, (assuming said person is older than me, or is my parent) "I don't know, does it make you feel old that your daughter is 24??" Most responses are "Um, ya...........I guess it does" Don't ask me and I won't ask you :) I was blessed with about 75 Birthday texts, phone calls, and posts on Facebook. There are some amazing people out there, and I would like to THANK every single person who wished me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It really was great. My Uncle BBQ'd a yummy roast for dinner, with steamed veggies and a delicious sauce, and to follow a yummy cake, in which Wade was in on! It was fantastic, I really enjoyed our weekend away from home, despite how much my mouth hurt!

Yesterday, we came home and went Laser Tagging with some friends and my little cousin! That was great too, if there hadn't been a grown man in there shooting people in the eyes with the laser! What a dink! I was so mad, 5-6 times it happened to me, and it also happened to my friends! How can you be so ignorant and rude at something that is supposed to be fun! We then went out for a late lunch/early dinner with two friends, and headed home to see our pups! Oh how I missed the pups little faces :)

Hope everyone has a great week!